The fallen star

12:30pm: It has been brought to my attention this journal has been inactive for a long time. Don't know if this will change, but for now I will save it from being deleted

11:51pm: Nervous. Very nervous. In less than 12 hours I will start counseling someone for the first time. I have started having nightmares about case conceptualization, what we are studying in one of the classes. But so excited to finally be doing what I want.

I still keep freaking out about little things. The poor girls have had me snapping at them for everything... again. I have no energy. I'm not reacting like normal to things. I think I've lost my bounce. I must find that again.

This is odd too, since the most stressful thing in my life right now is papers. There is no stress. None.

Bedtime though. Morning will come too soon.

1:05am: More for myself than anything
This is ridiculous. It's 1am. I have work in the morning. I need sleep. Brain, I order you to shut up and rest. So finances are on my mind tonight. I don't get much back in loans and such from financial aid for the whole textbook living thing. I just realized that I worked little enough hours at the beginning of the month that my paycheck for this month will not cover October's bills, leaving me a bit behind in budgeting. Financial aid that came back is enough to cover it, which means all is ok until February, since end of January paycheck will not exist, that whole no school Christmas break thing, meaning no cafeteria job. However what I would have had aside will be next month's rent and bills... and I'm not sure what I can save from paychecks. Currently plan will be limit spending. No doing things just for the fun of it. No expenses that can not be justified. This includes Wendy's before night classes, if I don't bring it from home, then I'm obviously not hungry enough to eat. No museums, movies, or anything like that, save everything. I need to find a second job, one that will stay over Christmas, hopefully one that last through next summer if not longer. Actually, need to find long term job. Must keep some type of balance.

So a little calmer having all this written out. Off to sleep!

11:12pm: I've decided to try to do this writing thing on a regular basis. Spent today in the dishroom. I'm finally beginning to get along with the guy I work with, which always makes work easier. David, the strange fellow that he is, gave me a Bible. I lost my little blue one, so he decided I needed a replacement. A wonderful thought, however I found my little blue one at the top of my school bag (which I use everyday and should have seen the thing in there before this). Still trying to convince myself doing things is good, even if it does take energy. I think I'm going to try for the art museum this weekend. Either that or the rose garden.

11:45pm: a less rambling type ramble
I'm doing much better than yesterday. The whole sleeping for a bit thing seemed to do a world of good. And finding out the thankathon is only like a half hour to hour long thing instead of four hours. I think most of the black hole that was yesterday was caused by feeling like I haven't been accomplishing enough, and feeling like I have no time to accomplish more, mainly brought on by the start of a new class and a practicum this week. I don't get it, in undergrad I could work, go to class, do homework, participate in clubs, hang out with friends, and not feel pressured for time. Now I can't do the work and school thing without feeling exhausted, forget the idea of having a social life. Knowing I'm actually working towards the career I want though, and realizing I might have half a hope of being good at it, it's kind of exciting, and worth any amount of exhaustion.

In other news, I've been promoted to grill cook on Sundays. My past experience leaked out, and the cook decided that this is my new job. I'm thrilled, have definitely missed doing it. So I've decided to get a year past and start making trips to the art museum, taking myself to Powell's or to dinner or the park or something, and going to dancing lessons on Fridays. The plans besides the dancing would be rotating type things, and the dance lessons in Medieval style dance will be awesome. I also now have books on the kitchen in the middle ages, and want to start getting into tapestry and spinning and weaving soon. I think actually planning things for myself that force me to move and leave the house will help this whole no energy thing. Since it's a Friday thing, possibly even hit a decent pub or something for a bit on the way back. Make a decent day of things. But before fun is allowed, I must clean my room, which basically means folding laundry. And homework. Must do papers. But this is all doable, just need to remember balance. Balance is the word of the day.

9:18am: I haven't written in ages! So my life over the last couple months:

I tried to become a cna, then realized that I was unable to enter a nursing home again yet. I have the classroom portion done, and might try clinicals sometime soon.

I'm in school still. Yay. I think that covers that one.

I have an amazing girlfriend who I love a lot!

I have a job, which I don't love so much.

I think that should cover it. All of this should also explain my complete disappearance from this place for a while. I hope you are all well.

12:46pm: On Life....
So news from life. My family has been informed that my Mom will probably make it about a week longer. The doctors don't want her to know, probably so she can keep fighting, but after I got back west she suddenly got much much worse. Apparently the breathing has gotten bad and no appetite or ability to eat and they say that she is showing the signs that her body is shutting down.

This weekend I went to Seattle and joined my housemates up there. It was a great time, however now as far as I can figure, my phone is somewhere by a bus stop or on a bus in Seattle. I am heading to Ohio tonight, so it will probably be slightly difficult to contact me for a bit. I'm going to try to get the phone replaced since it did have a protection plan on it, or at least get a cheap $20 thing, but... well.... I have other things on my mind.

Sadly with that said, I will not have much time to devote to people while home. I will be trying to spend whatever time I can with my mother. This does not mean I do not care, do not want to be friends, or any other such thing. This means there are pressing things in my life that I need to take care of. As much as I love everyone, I don't feel I am appropriately able to act as emotional support at this time. As I rarely ask permission to step back, I hope that this will be respected for the time being.

I would appreciate any prayers for Mom and for the family that people feel like sending up, and please understand if I am not the easiest to get a hold of or not as sympathetic when talking with you or any of that kind of stuff here for a bit. Mom's still holding out for her miracle.

4:55pm: my mom
Updated information on my Mom, since I finally have the fuller story. She was doing well with her treatment until this last month. Over this last month she has ended up in and out of the hospital several times due to emphysema. Due to the emphysema she is no longer able to have surgery to remove the tumor, her lungs are too weak. She also is discontinuing chemo. She has not been given a you will die in a week or anything dramatic like that. The doctors are not recommending hospice yet. Right now the emphysema and bronchitis are rougher on her than the cancer is. We do not know what this is going to mean for her yet. I know not being able to continue treatment will not help reduce the tumor at all. However, all of this is a lot more optimistic than she was saying the doctors were reporting yesterday, which was either the breathing or the cancer would get her. While that may be true, and not being able to breath is a crappy way to go, I'm holding some hope that she might be stuck with us for quite a while longer.

5:36am: thinking thoughts of no interest, but that need out of my head for sleep to happen
So this is primarily to get my brain to stop thinking. I need to take 12 credit hours to be a full time student. If I'm not, it fucks up my financial aid. I need to take Bible and Theology classes too. Taking 12 credits, i get $300 back, which isn't enough for textbooks, but is something. And it would be enough for my first two classes worth of textbooks, which would mean I'd be good until the beginning of June, at which point I might have something else. However, I need both the electives for counseling and the religion classes. I could put off taking the electives, but I don't know if those certain ones will be offered again while I'm still there. They are some of the ones that I absolutely wanted to take. I could drop the religion classes, since they'll put me over 12 credits and make it so I owe the school roughly $1500 for the semester. While not bad, I don't know if I could come up with that much again. If I did drop though, I would need to find a way to still get the Bible credits. I could do them online at another school, but again the money issue. I could just keep them and try to come up with the money. I could drop all of my electives and take one Bible class without owing extra. Or I could take a semester off from the counseling classes except for like one and take mainly Bible classes, but I need to talk to instructor on that.

On a happier note, awesome gathering tonight. Much much fun was I had. I love having friends in town, and can't wait till Bippy gets here!

8:02pm: So I come home tonight with the full intent of showering, and the washers going again due to one of the other housemates. This hot shower thing, not meant to happen.

12:01pm: this is here so I can be nice to the people I see in person
Brad, you are intensely frustrating and kept me up too late. I understand why you're frustrated, I really do. She's just as frustrated. Can't you two just do the talking thing? In the day time?

Sarah, you got a shower. I wanted a shower. I also didn't want to be woken up by the washer and dryer. Mainly due to being kept up late. However, you decided now, right when you wake up and have finished your own shower, to be the most productive time to do laundry. It is a reasonable time, I completely give that. That's why I will never say this to you, because by all rights I shouldn't be irritated. But you are the only one who gets hot water for a shower on a daily basis. I want a hot shower very badly. So boo! Boo to laundry!

2:37am: I have classes! I'm registered! I have homework! Ok, I won't find that last part as exciting after a few months, but still.... I have textbooks. So excited! The classes look and sound amazing.

For some reason I'm really emotional tonight. I cried at the Golden Girls. This is a sign of being far too emotional.

Time for sleep! Hopefully all of you out there are well.

1:02am: I'm having one of those nights. One of those I want to be held and told I'm beautiful type nights. Today was a fairly good day, slept through most of it, read, watched Tinkerbell, played video games. I just kind of am having one of those days where, it doesn't feel like enough. Like I can't do anything where I will ever be good enough. As far as I can figure, people like beauty, or intelligence, or a special talent. Preferably a combination of all the above. And I have nothing to offer. I want very strongly to someday be someone's first choice, someone they want because I actually do fit them and they love me. I look at myself though, and feel that I can never hope to be better than second, than the one that they settle on because they don't think they can do better, and will leave as soon as they realize there is better in front of them waiting for them. I feel like if I decide against someone, I am throwing away my last chance to not be alone. I would love to spend one day as one of those girls that can capture every heart in a room, just by a look. Or to feel like I have something to offer where someone someday would want me. But it isn't there.

Still, I am lucky. I have good friends around. I have family that loves me. I have a place to sleep, a roof over my head, food in my stomach. Much more than many out there have. I am grateful for all of it. And I know that this period of everything kind of just being stopped will end eventually, and that someday I will look in the mirror and see something of worth smiling back. Until then, even if down, I am lucky. I've made it to another year to watch the daffodils bloom.

3:38am: So, I got distracted tonight by gliders and their habits in the wild and their toys. One of the housemates was questioning me earlier as to glider habits and such to see how much I actually know about them and if I've tried to learn anything about them. This made me realize that I hadn't really researched my lovely pets since summer. Oh poor gliders, months of neglect. So of course I've spent the last several hours trying to learn more about them. Something I hope to make a habit as they are fascinating little creatures. I forgot that they each gum in the wild, not just sap and nectar and fruit and bugs. I mainly think of fruit and bugs since that's the most like what they're fed in captivity. I had also forgotten how much protein they really need, in the majority of their diet should be protein type way. I did learn though that supposedly they mainly smell strongly when something in their diet is off or when they are overeating. I may have to play with my own gliders' diets here eventually.

The fun part of this though. I learned that one of the ways to play with gliders is with a string. So I took my own demons out and tried it. Oh the joy! They're like little cats. They actually follow and chase the string! I think my heart went melty over my cute little pets all over again. I hope to play with them like that more often.

3:54am: Dear friend,

Do you realize that by saying that I should just rely on friends, and that the only reason counselors are more likely to work is because people look at them and say oh, they have degrees, I should listen, but they don't listen to friends, you are making invalid my whole future dream, don't you? First, a person who is screwed up, relying completely on a few people, that equals a lot of pressure for those people who quite frankly already have things in their lives to deal with. Second, friends and counselors should interact differently. If you are interacting with your friends mainly as a counselor would or if your counselor is interacting with you in the way that friends would, there could be something wrong. I know you think I should rely on you and it should be enough and you should be able to help me through every freak out and help me change all the thought patterns and behaviors that bug me and all that and the only reason I don't want to rely on you is that it is too hard to hear these things from friends, but really, I want someone who a) I'm not going to have to see for the rest of my life, my friends don't need to know everything, b) someone who can help me not just get through freak outs, but change to the point of being able to control them, which generally takes someone who has some knowledge of different issues in mental health and can guide through treatment, which you do not, and c) someone who is objective, outside of situations, can see things a lot more clearly than someone right there. Now please respect this. I know you don't think this is valid and I'm trying to rely too much on myself by not wanting my friends to be the main help in this, main because it's not like they've just randomly thrown out of my life, I do understand the need for social support. I will do things the way that I feel will be most productive for myself anyhow, so please, let it go, and try to be supportive, or at least try to say nothing.

Thank you

4:54am: Not many things have happened lately. I have official been accepted into higher education! Very excited, I get to spend the next couple years learning how to counsel people. The whole working towards what I want to do makes me very very happy.

My gliders and I are still bringing each other much happiness. Especially when they do things like let themselves out so they can sleep in their pouch. Just amusing.

And Graduation just came on my pandora. I remember this song. The seniors sang at my freshman year at bandcamp. I was sitting next to one of my good friends, one who I had been friends with since 1st grade, and we started crying because we suddenly realized this was the last set before we would separate. And we knew it would move fast, faster than we could imagine. It's funny being able to answer a lot of the questions in the songs now. Like yes, the memories do fade. Every year, they are fainter, but they are there, and the strong ones are embedded. I realize that I don't want to forget. The good times. The year from hell that was senior year. Middle school. Elementary school, what it is to be lost in my own world. Learning to read and write. All the little actions. The first time part of a team. Going to college and meeting new friends. The first moment meeting the new room mate. The nervousness and determination to make things work. Classes. Clubs. Lunch table conversations. All of it is so small, but it matters. It's what makes life. I want to always remember and hold these things precious. They're important. They helped form me for the better or worse into who I am now. The scary one is realizing here in 6 months I'll know for sure where I'm going to be when I turn 25. Frightening thought.

Enough of a ramble for tonight.

4:22am: Random thoughts and such
( Rachel and Emily )

( Kevin )

( Lynda )


( Sunshine )

( icydarkwater )


( Ashley )

( Bekkah )

( Katara )

So there are still many many people I would love to say things to. However, I am tired and want sleep. Have a good day all of you! And since cut tags and I don't usually get along, I apologize in advance if they don't work.

12:14pm: We finally got snow! It melted already, and apparently snow is unusual for here, but still, snow!

3:24am: Those who create games, please don't make the main person you're fighting come with a bunch of minions, and then have him attack at the same time as the minions. Especially if you're going to get swarmed by multiple minions and if he has a tendency to swing his sword and kill you and his minions, which of course can come back to life. It's just not a nice thing to do to a game player.

I worked on the same spot in Prince of Persia for an hour. I finally gave up and lost all the work I did on the boobytrapped courtyard. Grrrr.....


Christmas was good. I enjoyed being with the girls for it.

Merry Christmas to all of you.

6:23pm: Merry Christmas!

4:42am: So my Mom and I have managed to scare each other to death. Apparently last night I pocket called my Mom sometime while out and about. She called me back. I got around to checking my missed calls when I headed to be around 2 in the morning. It accidentally called out.... the whole I'm still not completely sure what to do with technology thing. So she called me at 4am completely freaked out because something must be wrong for her to get two calls in a night and for one to be so late. It woke me from a dead sleep and I freaked out because something must be wrong for my Mom to have called me twice in a night and to call so early. At least I know where I got some of my logic from? So I called her back and reassured her that I am indeed alive and well and it was just a pocket call and an accident and no, nothing is wrong. I mentioned that she was actually the second person this had happened to, and that I accidentally called a friend at 3am while out walking once. Now I need to convince her that 3am is a completely acceptable time to be walking, since apparently it means I will get myself killed, the whole city thing. Such fun and games. Hopefully won't happen again. I don't think either of our hearts can take it.

9:06pm: So I've of dropped off the face of the earth lately. I suppose I should catch up on some of it sometime. As for now, I am indeed still alive. Been doing a lot of interviews lately. Very very exciting.

11:53am: I am still alive and still in Portland. I've been suffering from a broken laptop since the middle of summer, making communication a bit harder. Unfortunately, I can't think a single thing that's happened in my life worthy of noting. I still job hunt. I'm hoping to be in a counseling program this spring. The people I live with are still completely amazing. One of the sugar gliders tried to castrate himself, that was kind of interesting. Poor glider is still not happy with the world. Went through a season of panic attacks where all human life was frightening, though that wasn't so much interesting as annoying. My mom is doing well in her treatment. Apparently the tumor has shrunk by 35%. So yay for mom! Childhood home is officially sold and gone. Dad and Charlene are happy in their new place. Yeah, that should cover the entire summer. I will try to write much more in the fall.

12:18am: Since I haven't written in a while, an update to let you all know I'm alive. So hi, I'm alive. Ok, more of a post than that. There's not much to say though. I'm still in Portland. I'm still job search, which is very frustrating, because it's been a year since graduating, and my life is still being still, and I want it to do something. Anything. I'm getting a lot of pressure from Dad to go to the community college here for drug and alcohol counseling, which is a wise idea, and makes sense, and there's a chance I can get things going for the fall... but... if I'm doing more schooling, I would still rather pursue a master's in counseling or a master's/doctorate in clinical, so that's been interesting conversation. But that conversation only happens once a week, so I can live with that.

I still absolutely love all the people I'm around. Housemates are amazing. I miss all my friends back in Ohio (well, now spread to who knows where, some are still in Ohio) and keep having these random times of just wanting one of them around. I still love all the people here, and am very very grateful to have them all in my life.

Two of the sugar gliders are now mine. They love me and treat me like a human jungle gym.

I spend a lot of time here exploring. Or just walking. Yesterday I made a journey out of a portion of the day, and was very proud of myself for the length of travel. I love all the random people I meet while out and about. Hearing their stories makes my day a little more complete. I need to try to make longer journeys more often.

My Mom is moving in with my brother this week. It feels strange not being there to help.

So this is enough randomness for a second, but look, I am alive out here, and not completely vanished.

12:43pm: So, I am indeed still alive, even if silent for many weeks. I'm hiding in Portland. I really like it here too. The household is amazing and the city is amazing. I need to work on the employment thing though. That would make things even more amazing. But it looks a lot more hopeful here.

I am very happy here. There's lots of places to explore, and no one telling me I'm being lazy all the time, even when I know I am. It's nice. I have a cave bed, kind of like the nest loft from college, only more protected feeling, and I've befriended some of the sugar gliders.

Ok, the not so happy stuff. This is more for John, since he asked I keep you people updated, than anything. My mom, when I left, they had decided it was TB. Last week, they did a second biopsy. It is cancer. The chemo started on Wednesday. But my mom is of course very hopeful and sure that the doctors will be amazed at how quickly the cancer leaves, and I think she could almost cure herself by pure willpower.

But anyhow, still here, and life is going on and on. For the most part very good. Found antiques, and a bookstore in a train car. Yes, that's right, in a train car. Anyhow, taking off now.